How to Talk to Toddlers about Boundaries

How to Talk to Toddlers about Boundaries

1. Define the word “boundary” to your child

   First, you need to introduce your child the concept of a boundary. Start with a casual conversation at a time when everyone is content. Perhaps while they’re happily playing with toys, you can sit down next to them and simply ask, “do you know what a boundary is?”
   
   Also, listen to your child’s answers. They might pretend to know what it is. They might just say no. Kids say the darndest things.
   
   I told my own child that a boundary is a tool we use to protect ourselves.

2. Use a recent, real-life example of a boundary they set

   Toddlers are still very literal thinkers. Their theory of mind is still developing. The neurotypical 3-year-old might know that different people may want, like, and feel different things, however, their only experience is their experience. So to help a toddler understand something, you have to center them in the conversation.
   
   My 3-year-old toddler goes to preschool and recently, there was an incident where they were drawing pictures at preschool and one of their friends reached over and drew on their picture! My child yelled, “STOP!” and while the friend did indeed stop, they also started crying.
   
   I retold this story to my toddler during our conversation. I started with, “remember when…?” and then added, “when you said ‘stop,’ you were setting a boundary. You were protecting yourself and your picture even though it made your friend upset.”

3. Affirm that feelings will get hurt

   My child is particularly empathetic and reminded me at the end of the story that their friend cried when they told them to stop. They felt bad for making them cry.
   
   I agreed, “yes, being the person who is butting up against your boundary doesn’t feel good. But it’s okay because the feeling will pass and they will learn where your boundary is. Sometimes we feel sad and it’s okay to feel that way.”
   
   We are not responsible for other people’s feelings, but we are responsible for the harm we cause (whether intentional or not) and should be accountable. I continued with, “it’s okay to feel bad for hurting or scaring your friend, and it’s okay to say sorry for it, but remember, you did it to protect yourself and your drawing. It was necessary for you to set that boundary.”

4. Reverse the scenario so they’re on the receiving end

   While their theory of mind is still developing, they might not care about why someone tells them no. However, they’re going to care very much about how bad/mad/sad they feel when they do. This part of the conversation is to help them emotionally prepare for such situation and have tools to assist in regulation at the ready.
   
   For this, I recalled a story for when I shouted no when they tried running into the street. I startled them and they cried. Also, being told no doesn’t feel nice.
   
   I prompted them to remember how it felt to be told no. I also made sure to describe it using the boundary framework, “I had to set a boundary to protect you, I wasn’t being mean. I know it doesn’t feel very good to be yelled at. But you also scared me when you did that.”

5. Model & practice through role play

   Practice makes progress. If you’ve never said no when someone asked you for a kiss, you won’t feel confident doing it for real. Tell your toddler that you’re going to ask to give them a kiss and explain to them to tell you no. Your reaction will set their expectations.
   
   I said, “okay, thank you for taking care of yourself.” and was unbothered by the rejection.
   
   Once you’ve covered all of these bases, the groundwork has been set. Sometimes it looks like a kid didn’t listen or really understand what you said, even if they’re non-speaking, but presume competence. I think my child didn’t listen to a word I said sometimes and then when they repeat it weeks later, it surprises me. Learning is ongoing so you’ll want to continue the conversation by referencing boundaries as you see them.

6. Keep the conversation going by pointing out when they set a boundary

   I value my child’s autonomy. Allowing them to set boundaries and then listening to them helps them feel confident and in control. In return, they won’t feel like they need to fight to be heard or fight for control and are more likely to cooperate with instruction.
   
   So when my toddler asks to be left alone, I say okay, I’ll give you some privacy and then I watch from a distance or from the corner of my eye.

7. Keep the conversation going by reminding them to set boundaries when you see they need it

   Kids are always learning and sometimes they forget the tools they’ve learned. If you see them in a situation where they’re being forced into something they don’t want to do, remind them that they can set a boundary, and explain what that boundary looks like in the moment.
   
   We recently had an outside playdate at a friend’s backyard. They have a dog and she was a very good dog, but she was excited to meet us. Like all dogs, she was a bit jumpy upon greeting us, especially at people who are 3ft tall.
   
   As my child squealed and ran from the dog, I reminded them that they can set a boundary. I said, “you can set a boundary by crossing your arms into an X shape and then say no really loudly anytime the dog comes to lick your face. She’ll listen after a few times.”
   
   And voila, the good dog settled down after two times. I then complimented my kid by saying, “you did a good job setting that boundary and protecting yourself with the dog.”

8. Keep the conversation going by reminding them you’re not being mean, you’re setting a boundary

   I’ve been bitten, hit, spat at, hissed at, and more. It doesn’t feel nice. So when I need to set a boundary like, “don’t climb on my body,” sure, kiddo might get mad at you and saying you’re mean. If you’ve been talking about boundaries, saying, “I’m not mean, I’m setting a boundary to protect myself. Climbing on me hurts my body,” then there’s a good chance kiddo will remember what a boundary is, why you’re setting it, and how to handle the rejection.
   
   Or not. Toddlers be toddlers.