“That’s normal, all kids do that,” is something you’ve probably heard a million times if you’re a toddler parent reading this article. While the behavior is indeed normal and all kids have meltdowns, the difference is frequency and intensity. How often are these meltdowns happening and how distressed is your kid? Do they become violent? Do they attempt to hurt themselves, you, other people, or animals when in such an extreme state? Because not all kids do that and the parents (and maybe even medical professionals) dismissing your concerns haven’t experienced what you’re going through.
I have and I’m writing this article to help you and your family get through them safely.
I’ve categorized meltdowns into two types: angry and sad. This article is focusing on the angry meltdowns. I’ll write another one in the future about the sad ones.
What is an angry meltdown?
An “angry meltdown” is when anger is the dominant emotion being expressed in a meltdown as opposed to sadness. Though it may sometimes be tricky to identify early on because some kids don’t feel safe expressing sadness and will instead express anger to mask it. Angry meltdowns are fueled by underlying anxiety rather than something making them sad.
How do I know if my kid is having an angry meltdown?
It’s not always immediately obvious so observation over time is required but these are the signs I look for:
- screaming, shrieking
- yelling or saying hurtful things (e.g., “I don’t love you”)
- self-mutilation (e.g., biting their arms, scratching their own face or body, pulling out their hair, banging their head on hard objects)
- attempting to cause bodily harm to others, including people and pets (e.g., biting, scratching, hitting, kicking)
- thrashing about on the floor or in your arms
- property destruction (throwing things, knocking things over, kicking things)
They may be presenting all or just some of these signs and it may still be an angry meltdown.
How do I figure out the cause of an angry meltdown?
In order to resolve a child’s distress, you have to problem solve the cause. Ask yourself these questions:
- What happened right before it started? Some angry meltdowns are based on sensory needs because anxiety is produced when sensory sensitivities become agitated, and anxiety may manifest as anger. Did they get their shirt wet? Did you force a coat on them after they told you they didn’t want to wear any coat in the obviously cold weather?
- Did they perceive rejection? Being told “no” when they ask for something is an obvious one but less obvious rejections include, “not right now, I’m busy” or simply ignoring them or not paying enough attention to them. Some angry meltdowns can be a result of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Though the term is usually applied to teens and adults because neurotypical toddlers outgrow it, but your toddler is still a toddler and is this behavior is still developmentally appropriate.
How do I help my kid when they’re having an angry meltdown?
What you do will depend on what they’re doing and how they respond to what you do. Your goal is to de-escalate the situation. It’s not to solve the problem. Threatening to take beloved things away results in escalation and is the opposite of what you want.
If you pet a cat too much and they bite you, you learn that the cat does not want to be petted anymore. It comes with the implication that if you touch them again, you risk getting bitten again. If your child is biting you or otherwise hurting you during a meltdown, it means the same thing: stop touching them!
Peak Rage
If the child is in a location where they’re safe, just let them be. Some medical professionals will insist you hug them but if they’re hurting you, then you do not have their consent to touch their body; they’ve revoked that consent with their actions. Only in very specific circumstances should you ever restrain a child. Restraining is dangerous and can result in death.
I sit a short distance away, always within view of my kid so they can see me, and very few times with a baby gate to separate us for our protection. I don’t usually look at my kid either. I tend to look in a different direction or will close my eyes. I’ve learned from my kid that making eye contact while they’re in a raging meltdown can cause them to escalate. From this distance, I might affirm with words and sign language that I love them no matter what if communication doesn’t cause escalation; sometimes it does so I just stay quiet and let them ride it out. I’ll say what I observe, that it looks to me like they’re angry and that it’s okay to be angry. I also affirm that their behavior will not drive me away.
I know, as someone who has meltdowns like this, that they come with a deep-seeded fear that behavior like this is my “true self” and that if my loved ones ever see it, they’ll hate me. So my child, who might start feeling this way, needs to hear and physically see that I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to sit here and be with them. My love is not conditional and they don’t have to always behave a certain way to earn it. Their meltdowns will not “scare me away” and I’m demonstrating that by not leaving.
The Come Down
I can tell when my kid is starting to come out of the highest point of their meltdown with a few signs:
- their body begins to slow (e.g., it’s taking them longer and longer between throwing things)
- their noises start to sound mournful or sad (i.e., it’s less of a roaring scream and more like a physical injury scream)
Once I identify that kiddo’s anger is melting, this means sadness is settling in. This is a pivotal moment because your child is vulnerable. They felt literally out-of-control and they know it’s painful for others around them. They just can’t help it. They’re still overwhelmed with a mix of feelings.
This is your moment to engage, however, their language processing center in the brain is still probably offline. A lot of executive functions still are. They are just raw emotion and in emotional pain. Because of this, I don’t use words. I act.
I also don’t go straight into talking about what happened to get them started, because that could trigger them again. What your child needs at this moment is love. They need assurance that what they just did didn’t ruin your relationship. I show this by crawling over from where I was sitting, still not making eye contact, and I’ll pretend to be a cat (or a dog) and I’ll meow curiously to insist on being petted.
Initiating play is a form of communication and it says, “I’m here and ready when you are.” By begging for the pets, you are making a request for touch. They might not want to reciprocate yet and that’s okay. Simply pretend to be a sleepy cat and lay where you are, but perk up when they make a noise or motion and try again.
I wait until my child talks before I talk. That’s how I know their language processing center is back online and that they’re ready to communicate beyond non-speaking role-play.
You know your child best. Once they’re comfortable petting you, you can make a bid to hug, open your arms and let them collapse onto you. This is when the deep-pressure sensory input is needed. Do what you feel like doing to make them feel all the love in this hug.
Kids really do think about these things, sometimes for a long time after they happen. I’ve had my 4-year-old apologize out-of-the-blue hours later for biting me. My husband and I have normalized apologizing to each other, including our kid, when we cause someone to hurt with our words or actions.
Meltdowns get easier for everyone as we get older. It takes time to learn the tools for managing our big feelings and it is developmentally and age appropriate for young kids to not have this skill mastered. It’s also appropriate for teens and adults with neurocognitive or intellectual disabilities.
Best of luck. You’re doing a good job.
Continue Reading about Restraints
- Lauren Keene, “Years after student’s death, school district revises policies” (Dec. 12, 2022). Davis Enterprise.
- Chris Harris, “California Teen with Autism Died After Being Restrained for More than an Hour, 3 Employees Indicted” (Jul. 25, 2022). People.
- Andrew Court, “Autistic student, 21, dies after he was restrained by teachers at Texas special needs school that is also being investigated for video of six educators pinning fourth-grade girl to the ground” (Jun. 18, 2021). Daily Mail.
- Hannah Fry, “After autistic boy dies during school restraint, 3 educators charged with manslaughter” (Nov. 13, 2019). Los Angeles Times.
- Janelle Griffith, “A boy with autism restrained at school died. Now, 3 school staff are charged: Max Benson, 13, died after being placed in a face-down restraint by school staff in November 2018.” (Nov. 13, 2019). NBC News.
Thank you!