I was the recipient of someone’s expressive anger recently, someone who identifies as an ally to people like me (and still does, interestingly enough). While their anger is absolutely valid, their choice to take it out on me, to pin me as the cause, to tell me to stop talking about it as if it never happened, was not.
To put it succinctly, some allies are only allies until it’s personal.
—Tessa Watkins
This is especially true for allies who have problematic family members that cause hurt, pain, and suffering to marginalized people. These kinds of allies can’t live in a world where someone they love is the villain in someone else’s anecdote, so they justify it with mental gymnastics.
- They must be lying, there’s no way my beloved family member would do such a thing!
- They must have deserved it, they probably did something to bring it upon themselves
While people like this will listen to stories of discrimination from anonymous speakers in webinars, training events, and rallies, they are quick to demand my silence when they know my story involves one of their family members. These kinds of allies will proudly stand next to me at a protest for my rights, join me at a rally for a progressive candidate that promises to educate the larger community about people like me, march with me when we’re angry about the state of affairs.
But beneath it all, they are still a fake ally because they refuse to do the work in their own home. They will stand up for me in a crowd with cameras pointed at them but remain silent when someone makes a transphobic comment at the dinner table.
On one hand, I can understand why. You love that person and sometimes love makes us do weird things like choosing our in-the-moment comfort and peace over our morals and ethics. You tolerate their bigotry because of the love you have for them. But sadly, these loved ones are still problematic, and not just at the dinner table, and that is something allies need to accept and need to confront.
We all know that random people on the internet rarely change each others’ minds, but when you talk to someone who loves you, they hold your opinion higher than a stranger. If you speak up, they usually listen.
And when they don’t, you set that boundary.
“But Tessa, I can’t just cut off family members I love simply for disagreeing with me!” said the hypothetical fake ally.
Maybe not, but then don’t defend them when their actions cause discriminatory pain. If you’re going to believe the discrimination stories of minority speakers that you’ve never met, then you also need to believe the discrimination stories of local minorities you actually know even when someone you love was the aggressor.
I personally have cut family members off simply for “disagreeing” with me. Though I’d even argue that it wasn’t because we disagreed. It’s deeper than that.
Up to 1.6 million youth experience homelessness in the United States every year. 46% of homeless queer and gender diverse youths ran away because of family rejection; 43% were forced out by parents, and 32% faced physical, emotional, or sexual abuse at home. So while you may not be able to cut off problematic family members, your problematic family member might just be the type of person who could cut you off if you were more than just an ally.
They probably tolerate your allyship the same way you tolerate their bigotry.
References
- Jaimie Seaton, “Homeless rates for LGBT teens are alarming, but parents can make a difference” (Mar. 29, 2017). Chicago Tribune.
- Parker Molloy, “Deconstructing the tolerance paradox: why Conservatives’ go-to line is garbage.” (Mar. 12, 2014). Medium.
