My name is Tessa and my pronouns are they/them. I always introduce myself to new people with gender-neutral pronouns, but I was socialized as a female growing up so people who already know me get a pass for using “she.” For now.
So what is this going to change? Am I still a “woman?” And why should anyone care? Please allow me to answer these questions in reverse order.
Why should anyone care about my gender identity?
The short answer is: you shouldn’t.
You only need to care about my pronouns because using the correct pronouns for people you talk to is a sign of respect. Purposely not using someone’s correct pronouns is not just disrespectful, but it’s actively harmful. It sends the message that you don’t care about the person you’re talking to. If the person you’re talking to is already struggling with mental health, purposeful misgendering them could be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
That’s why it’s important to accept someone’s new pronouns and why we consider this practice “suicide prevention.”
Additionally, you don’t need to know what my reproductive system is because you’re not my doctor nor my partner. My reproductive system alone also won’t tell you anything useful about my gender identity, expression, or which pronouns I use. So it’s not a helpful marker.
What does being genderfluid mean exactly? Am I still a “woman?”
The short answer is: sometimes.
I am genderfluid, specifically non-binary genderfluid. Genderfluid simply means my gender is in flux. It’s not because I’m undecided, it’s because sometimes I feel like what society thinks a woman is, and sometimes I don’t. I specify as non-binary (or “Enby” because the acronym “NB” is already used by Black people to mean “non-Black”) because my genderfluidity encompasses gender outside the traditional male/female binary.
Some genderfluid people may only fluctuate within the binary and that’s okay too, just not my experience. Genderfluid is not explicitly an Enby identity, but it commonly is. Some genderfluid people may also fluctuate through the entire gender spectrum, but that’s also not my experience as I never really feel 100% male. Maybe like 60% sometimes though. I’m not opposed to being called traditionally masculine words like “handsome” and I likely won’t correct you if you use he/him pronouns to describe me if I’m looking exceptionally masculine.
Since I was not assigned this gender at birth (it’s not currently possible since many countries do not recognize genders outside the binary male/female) this also means I am transgender. I embrace being a part of the trans community.
Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just write “TBD” on birth certificates?
What is going to change?
The short answer is: nothing.
I am still the same person you know. I’ve always been the “tomboy” growing up. I’m not going to leave my partner or abandon my family. I feel comfortable in my body and have no plans to surgically alter myself (something I am privileged about as many genderqueer people experience body dysphoria).
I may explore more of myself through expression, as in the clothes that I choose to wear and the hairstyles I choose to have. I might not look quite female or I might get into wigs or binders. Who’s to say where my gender journey will take me?
If you’re uncomfortable because you find me, or someone like me, attractive but you’ve consciously decided that your sexual orientation is limited to the gender binary or strict labels, then that is something you need to work through on your own time and is not to be used to lash out at me and others like me. I will not tolerate transphobia and I will not waste energy trying to educate people that don’t want to learn.
I’m proud to be trans. I’m happy to be genderqueer. It’s exciting and worth celebrating.
