Note from the Editor: This article is for the parents of transgender and non-binary children. If you yourself belong to either of those communities and your mental health is feeling vulnerable right now, then it might be better for you to skip reading this and maybe come back another time when you’re feeling better. Thank you for taking care of yourself.
I’m a non-binary/trans adult and parent and I help educate other parents. I was recently asked by another parent who felt intensely guilty about a particular thought of theirs, “I don’t want my kid to be transgender.” They asked, “is it wrong to wish for my child to be cisgender?”
I like to believe it’s a parental instinct to not want your child to struggle. Your feelings about it are absolutely valid; you can’t control your thoughts and feelings. If you can’t shed that guilt, please allow me to help reframe.
You are recognizing that there is a societal advantage to being cisgender and a disadvantage for everyone else. However, there isn’t just one way to address this discrepancy and we both know what those two options are:
- have a cisgender child so they can take advantage of that privilege
- have a society where transgender and non-binary people aren’t disadvantaged purely for existing as such
Many times, especially as parents, we feel like we have some semblance of control over our household and the people living within (our parental duties include teaching them how to behave in public and shared spaces so the social expectation is set that their behavior is a reflection of our parenting skills). Therefore, we have this false belief that it’d be easier to control our child’s identity so they’ll struggle less in society instead of the option that we know to be out of our control: changing society so they’ll accept our child.
I’m here to say that neither are in your control. It might feel like one of them is more so than the other because one is in your home interacting with you on a daily basis while the other isn’t, but that is a fallacy. The only thing you can control is what you do about it.
I am autistic and nonbinary raising an autistic 4-year-old with my partner. We are very weird and nonconforming in many ways beyond gender. I’ve personally chosen to go the advocacy route and do my best to educate the general public as just one voice among many working to change society because my child is not the problem (and neither is yours). I surround our family with people who are supportive of our authentic selves, and sometimes that means cutting off “blood” family that isn’t. I will do what I can with the tools that I have to help my child navigate a system that is designed to crush their mental health so they come out like a horse who’s been “broken.”
If you are a parent and you read this entire article because you share the same fear as the parent who asked me this question, then that means you’re already doing a good job. Well done, and keep going. Your child is lucky to have you and you’re lucky to have that child.
this article provides no answers and im not sure why the author made it about themsleves.
could of at least tried to answer some general concerns or questions instead of framing transgender and noncis people as just victims.
please stop publishing this rubbish.
Hi Jack, I’m the author and to answer your question, “I’m not sure why the author made it about themselves,” it’s because I was actually asked this question, and because I am transgender, it is about me. When parents see the challenges us trans and nonbinary people go through that isn’t an obstacle for cisgender people, it’s natural for them to wish for their child to not be like us… to not be like me. Of course I’d say my life isn’t bad. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I’m not the problem. Etc. etc.
What kind of answer were you hoping for?