The big “puberty talk” should be before your kid starts experiencing puberty, which is around the age of 11-12 years but can be as early as 8. Most public schools teach a lesson or two on puberty, but they often miss fundamental information because they’re using outdated tactics such as separating kids into a “boys” and “girls” classes where they only learn about one type of puberty.
The guide below is when it’s recommended to introduce each topic, not necessarily how to talk about it with your kid(s). Learning is ongoing, it may take a kid years to understand the topic, and neurodivergent children may not fully grasp a concept as early as their neurotypical peers. You also know your child best, they might not be ready at the recommended age either. How and when you discuss this is up to you as their parent, but your child also has a legal, human right to education.
Kids that dislike unexpected events, changes in plans, or surprises will benefit more if they are educated on puberty before it happens to them. They’ll know what the changes mean, how to handle and cope with them if they’re not with you (e.g. starting their first menstruation cycle while sitting in a classroom or while spending the night at a friend’s house), and how to recognize when something isn’t right and to speak up about it (e.g. unusual smell or discharge that could indicate infection).
If your child’s school isn’t providing this education early enough or you’re opting out to teach your child this content at home, consider this a pocket guide for your syllabus!
Before Puberty Begins
All kids should learn all of these topics, regardless of their own gender. This is how we promote acceptance of gender and body diversity in schools.
Puberty commonalities
Kids should be aware of what most human bodies have in common when they go through puberty. Examples of things most bodies experience during puberty:
- hair growth
- voice changes
- raging hormones that may affect their executive functions in the brain
Puberty differences
Examples of things some bodies experience during puberty:
- breast tissue growth
- visible erections
- menstruation
Intersex puberty
Some people may not know they are intersex due to the beautiful complexity that is natural biology. For some people, it may be obvious as their anatomy may not fit within the binary concept of sex. For others, it may be chromosomal, genetic, and/or how their bodies respond to hormones in utero.
Some intersex people go their entire lives not knowing they are intersex. Other times, it’s realized during puberty when they begin to experience aspects of puberty unexpected with their assigned birth sex (e.g. growing both facial hair and breast tissue). It may also be discovered during medical situations such as discovering a vagina ends in a blind pouch; their external organs does not match their internal organs.
Examples of things only intersex bodies may experience:
- people born with ambiguous genitalia
- people who had surgery on their genitalia at birth
- Androgen insensitivity syndrome
Resources:
- “What’s intersex?” Planned Parenthood Federation of America Inc.
Sources & References for Intersex Pediatric Surgeries
- “US: Harmful Surgery on Intersex Children” Jul. 25, 2017. Human Rights Watch.
- Julie Compton, “‘You can’t undo surgery’: More parents of intersex babies are rejecting operations” Oct. 24, 2018. NBC Universal.
- Reuters, “Greece bans ‘sex-normalizing’ surgeries on intersex babies” Jul. 20, 2022. NBC Universal.
- Kevin G. Behrens, “A principled ethical approach to intersex paediatric surgeries” Oct. 29, 2022. BMC Med Ethics.
Sources & References for Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome
- “Androgen insensitivity syndrome” MedlinePlus.
- “Androgen insensitivity syndrome” Mar. 17, 2021. UK National Health Service.
- Bruce Gottlieb, PhD, and Mark A. Trifiro, MD, “Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome” Mar. 24, 1999. University of Washington, Seattle.
- “Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome” Cleveland Clinic.
Trans puberty
Anyone can be trans. It simply means your gender identity does not match the sex you were assigned at birth. Some intersex and non-binary youth may also engage in trans puberty to achieve a desired balance of sex hormones. Examples of things only trans bodies may experience:
- puberty blockers
- transgender hormone therapy / hormone replacement therapy (HRT) / gender-affirming hormone therapy (GAHT)
- Masculinizing hormone therapy; consists of androgens and antiestrogens
- Feminizing hormone therapy; consists of estrogens and antiandrogens
Resources
- The Trans Generation by Ann Travers
- It’s okay to let your transgender kid transition – even if they might change their mind in the future
- Masculinizing Hormone Side Effects by Randall Children’s Hospital (PDF)
- “Pubertal blockers for transgender and gender-diverse youth” Jun. 18, 2022. Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER).
Masturbation
Kids are going to masturbate. They probably already know about it and have likely been doing it since they were toddlers. While you don’t want to think about it, they do, so best prepare them on how to do it safely (wash hands before and after) and remind them when and where it’s appropriate (by themselves in their bedroom or the bathroom).
Resources
- How To Talk To Your Kids About Masturbation In A Healthy Way
- Do You Know Why Kids Masturbate? Therapist Gives 5 Reasons and Top Tips for a Healthy Response Plan
- When (& How) You Should Talk to Your Kids About Masturbation
Sources & References
- Meri Wallace, LCSW, “This Sexual Behavior Is Part of Natural Development” (Jun. 26, 2021). Psychology Today.
Menstruation Management: Catching Blood
If a child’s body is expected to begin the cycle of releasing eggs and shedding the uterus lining soon, it is best to prepare them with how to deal with the blood when it comes. These kids should understand:
- how a menstrual pad works
- how to put on a menstrual pad
- how to remove a menstrual pad
- how to properly dispose of a menstrual pad
- where to get menstrual pads
Menstruation Management: School Goody Bag
If a child’s body is expected to begin the cycle of releasing eggs and shedding the uterus lining soon, it is a good idea to send them to school with a discrete goody bag with the following items:
- Clean pair of shorts or pants in case they leaked
- Clean pair of underwear in case they leaked (bonus if they’re they kind that can catch leaks)
- 3-5 menstrual pads with wings
- Wet wipes to aid in cleaning blood off their skin
- Wet bag to hold dirty clothes to bring home
- Little plastic baggies (like the ones used to pick up dog poo) in case there are no trash cans available to dispose of menstrual products
After Puberty Begins
Menstruation Management: Pain & Heavy Periods
Once menstruation begins, some people’s menstruation cycle can be challenging to manage. If this is the case with your kid, consider having a discussion with them and their doctor to learn about hormone therapy, i.e. using hormonal contraceptives to regulate periods.
Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, and Cervical Cancer
As your child continues to experience menstruation, it is good to be knowledgeable about these conditions in case they develop them.
| Adenomyosis | Endometriosis |
|---|---|
| Endometrial tissue, which lines the inside of the uterus, grows into the muscle wall of the uterus (it’s not supposed to). | Endometrial tissue, which lines the inside of the uterus, is found somewhere else in the body like the ovaries, fallopian tubes, and lining the pelvis (it’s supposed to stay inside the uterus). |
| With each menstrual cycle, endometrial tissue thickens, breaks down, and bleeds. Doing this in the muscle wall makes the uterus itself get temporarily bigger, and literally rips the muscle apart causing additional pain and heavier periods. | With each menstrual cycle, endometrial tissue thickens, breaks down, and bleeds. Doing this somewhere other than the uterus can cause all sorts of problems from fertility, cysts, bonding fibrous tissue, etc. |
| Hormonal treatments can help with pain and heavy bleeding if they stop the menstrual cycle. | Hormonal treatments can help with pain and heavy bleeding if they stop the menstrual cycle. |
| The only cure for adenomyosis is surgically removing the uterus (a hysterectomy). There are also no tests to confirm this condition while the uterus is still inside the body or any cure that involves keeping the organ. | There is no cure for endometriosis. Even if the uterus was removed via hysterectomy, that does not guarantee the endometrial tissue was removed from the other places. |
Cervical cancer is a growth of cells that start in the cervix and shouldn’t be there. This does have screenings and tests available and can be cured.
Before Sexually Active
It is hard to imagine that your kid is growing up. It’s even harder to imagine that they’ll want to be touched in a sexual way by someone. You do not want to be too late to discuss what intercourse is and how it impacts their future with family planning.
Learning is ongoing, which means you shouldn’t stop talking to your kid about the things you introduced them to earlier like consent and boundaries. As their decision making skills get pushed to the test through puberty, it’s more important now that they practice respecting someone’s boundaries, setting boundaries, and managing their feelings around consent and rejection.
